I have been in this band for almost 6 years. In those 6 years I have gotten sober, lost a mother figure to cancer,lost a best friend 3 days before my 29th birthday, i have watched someone very very close to me fall deeper into a heroin addiction, found out that someone i deeply loved wasn't making healthy choices for my emotional and at times physical well being, I my student load to 40 in 4 days at one point, moved into a band house, lost a band mate, gained a bandmate, lost a friend and found a lover and mate, and have been on 5 tours, 3 of which were national, and sent on a cruise to Jamaica to at music. And after all of that, today I found myself getting weepy leaving San Francisco.
Ya see, growing up in a small town I had a pack of friends and I do mean pack. We spent many days at a time together and sometimes even lived on each others couches. There is one friend that is now my longest kept friend. Mike. <3
Together we have said goodbye to too many friends and have put both many miles on this friendship and many physical miles between us. He lives in Oakland and he put us up for the last two days we were out there and it was the closest I have felt to home since I've left the east coast. Don't get me wrong I love my band family and Taylor is not only my boyfriend and companion but also my friend but Mike has known me since I was 13 and he gives the best hugs. I am 30 now so that's 17years of growing, laughing, fighting, and saying goodbye to too many people. I realized quickly that I had been missing that kind of friendship. That unconditional love and protection. That age that weathers a friendship into some who knows you and trusts you to their core. All of The inside jokes, the old memories, experiences, discussions, and changes create a certain sense of connection.
I think it's easy, easy to let work or bills, ambition or lovers to get in the way of keeping those genuine connections strong. I have been so occupied by this band and my ambition that I have missed birthdays, phone calls, and opportunities to catch up with people and friends I have had for a long time. I have made many, many, many wonderful friends through this band. some fellow performers some not, and I am not giving them any less merit or saying they are any less valuable. I'm just saying that the deep love and connection between me and my dear old friend, has made me want to nurture more of the connections I have in my life. I have a very unfortunate tendency to become preoccupied by the things I am trying to accomplish for myself and my band mates. Ya, see co-running a band, especially with your life partner is much like having a family. Everything we do in the band to further the band, is to provide myself and everyone else the opportunity, to travel, create, perform and potentially make it more of a living for everyone. ESPECIALLY being on the road, we have to make sure all expenses are paid, the troupes are happy or at the very least content so that it is worth it for everyone. The stress of having to push forward a business (in a sense) to not just provide for yourself and your lover but for four others you care about can be stressful and at times scary and that stress can be distracting from the other things that are happening around you.
There are certain things I am going to implement into and out of my life when I return home and one will be improving the relationships I have in my life. To try to live less guarded and be more open. To not compare myself to others accomplishments, and when I falter and I do,... I will think of Mike, and my mom, my sister and my dear deceased friend Amy, and think of the very strengths and pretty things they see in me and use that as a reflection of who I am and what I can give to the people that choose to bless me, by being in my life.
Nostalgia certainly makes the heart grow fonder and my memories and friends keep me warm and are a reminder of what it is that really makes my life worth living. Thank you to whom ever of you who may have read this. Thank you for being interested in what a humble little musician might have to say. Now go tell your friends and family you love them and if you don't have any, then know I love you. xo
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