I know I am supposed to be posting part 2 of the tour blog but i just had these thought rattling my brain and they shook me up inside to my core.
I just got back for a run. Which in its self is all very new to me. I have decided that it is good to do things that are out side your nature and things you simply don't want to do. It builds character. Anywho, It was a half hour jog around our neighborhood. The sun was beginning to set and the sky was amazing and all of a sudden my brain was filled with all of these thoughts and memories and with you,.... I will now share this. The skies of my childhood/life and the feelings they'd give me.
I grew up in a small trailer with an addition built on it, down a long dirt lane with pot holes in the middle of the pocono mountains. There were many of us who had lived there over the years, but always and mostly it was My mom, Myself, My brother Casey and my sister Karen, and Amy. I spent most of my youth gathered with Amy and my friends at the top of my driveway looking at the stars. They were the best night skies. There was little-to-none light pollution in the poconos at that time. Me and my best friend would talk about our dreams and ideas, sort out our feelings and misunderstood youthful hormones and mostly boys. We talked a lot about boys. I miss her. I miss those night skies buried in the mountain with my adulthood ahead of me and a child-like closeness with my siblings.
After the trailer, my boyfriend of many years, Josh and I moved into a little apartment in Shawnee a bit south of where I grew up but still in the poconos. We called it the redneck compound. We found the apt through his co-worker and our land lords lived on the massive property which also had, cows, chickens and a pack of dogs. We live on the top of this GIANT hill called Mosers Knob Road. There was a steep decline down the long gravel road called Rolling Rock Lane that led back to the compound and in the winter when the leaves would fall from the trees we could see the sun set miles and miles away through the trees, over the valley, into the mountains. I felt on top of the world there. Not emotionally speaking, but quite literally. We would nurse many hang overs by ordering pizza from our favorite spot and curling up in the living room to Lord of The Rings while the sun set through the trees and sunk into the mountains. I felt very isolated from the world which most of the time I didn't like but on those lazy sundays watching the sunset into the mountains, I was happy right there.
After Shawnee and the redneck compound I had decided that I couldn't take dirt roads anymore and I moved into East Stroudsburg with my friend Amber which unfortunately caused Josh and I to split. We were on the third story of an apt building and I had a little music studio set up in the spare room. Across the street was a church that had a giant neon cross that lit up the skies every night. I would sit down at my rhodes and plunk out melodies and songs and stare at it. I was very lost at that point in my life and it left me no comfort, in fact it made me feel dirty and like I was apart of the drug induced under belly of society. My dad was terminally ill and back in my life after being estranged from him for 10 years. (which in its self was a head trip I could handle) I had no clue what I was doing as an adult. I knew I wanted to music and I wanted to get out of the poconos but I was distracted by coming to terms with the years of sorrow and anger with my father as well as facing the fact that he was dying, the mortality of my parents and myself. His girl friend- who was a saint- was really the only other help I had during that time. I lost myself in booze and pills and I spent many nights staring at that cross. It followed me into my dreams, like a peeping tom, one night it had spoken to me and told me I had to leave.
I moved into the Pocono Pines with Josh's brother and a friend. I was a bit weary about moving further onto the mountain which was further from where I wanted to be. But it was quiet there and I was surrounded by really beautiful people that gave me lots of support through everything I was dealing with my father. Josh and I soon reunited and he moved in. I remember the long winters there, My friend Jay would come over and we'd listen to Beirut and drink a 12 pack and play games. Those were the warmest winters I had since I left my moms house. The symbolized everything that home and family was to me and my only regret was that I was too drunk to remember a lot of it. There was a water fall across the street from my bedroom window. I would frequently crawl outside onto the porch roof and listen to the water, play the guitar and sort myself out. Not shortly after the spring thaw, My father died. I got a call at 7 am and my heart had stopped. It was so early and the house was quiet, I was waiting to meet with my siblings to discuss the next plan of action but In the mean time, i crawled out onto that porch roof and watched the fog lift off of Lake Naomi and played "No Ones Home" an acoustic guitar song that my Uncle Dennis wrote. That song, that sky, that lake, was the only way I made it through that morning.
After a couple really long winters filled with great friends and hard winters I had set out to make a significant change. I moved into my moms house in easton. I had just joined a couple of bands, Josh and I had split for good and I had quit my day job to teach music lessons. She has the most perfect kitchen window. The train would come through town blowing a middle C and when the leaves drop from the trees you can see the delaware river and lights from New Jersey. I felt so close to the sea and NYC there. It woke me up inside. So close that one night after too much wine and a full moon reflecting off the river at me and my mom we set off with traffic our trusty pup to Sandy Hook to see the sun rise and introduce traffic to the sea! It was one of my most favorite memories of my mom. One i will NEVER forget and will always hold very near to me. Shortly after I had quit drinking and soon after that, as if to test my might- a very very close member of my family, Liz was diagnosed with cancer and not but 9 months later she perished. I remember sitting on my moms kitchen floor with a candle and a guitar looking at the moon shining through the window facing once again mortality. About a year passed and Liz's daughter, my best friend Amy died. I knew at that point I needed to level up.
Right about the time Amy passed away, Taylor and I had finally decided to take the leap from being simply band mates and bed fellows to genuine significant others and life partners. We had gathered ourselves and some of the EGRESS troupe and moved into a band home by the airport on the west side of Bethlehem. It started out with Taylor, Jaclyn, myself and Mat and not but 7 months later Mat left the band and left the house. I remember my first night in the home, after having painted the living room listening to the planes fly over head. I was so shell shocked at that point. I was scared to even show excitement about this new endeavor. For the fear it would all implode. The skies here are amazing and the planes leave trails of glitter across the sky. I get this funny feeling in my gut when the swoop overhead from taking off at LVAP. Every plane filled with people. People who have families and friends, whose friends have families and friends and the world instantly explodes into this massive bed of spiraling situations, thoughts and words. The sunset through our upstairs bathroom window is the most colorful. Occasionally when I time it right I will shower as the sun falls and think about my travels and all of the places I've been and All of the people I've met, all of the people that I am lucky t have and all of the People I have lost, to death, disease, addiction and even just in life.
Anywho, there it is. I hope these are the only homebound skies I see for a while. Hopefully one day someone will write about living with me, or loving me or losing me and this cycle will keep going. The sun is down, the sky is dark and I will leave the curtains open for a peeping tom like me.
No comments:
Post a Comment